March 7, 2012
I Don’t Want to Be a Shoe!
In the pilot of “FRIENDS” Rachel Green, the spoiled, ditzy, daddy’s little girl who runs out on her wedding when she realizes she isn’t really in love with her husband, shows up in her wedding dress at the apartment of her friend she hasn’t spoken to in years. In a scene that foreshadows much of Rachel’s character development over a ten-year arc, Rachel stands in the kitchen of that friend’s apartment, talking on the phone to her father, who is angry and wants her to return and get married. She tries to explain to him why she made her choice.
Rachel: Daddy! Daddy listen to me! It’s like all my life everyone’s told me, “You’re a shoe! You’re a shoe! You’re a shoe!” Well, what if I don’t want to be a shoe? What if I wanna be a purse or a hat? No I don’t want you to buy me a hat, I’m saying I am a hat. It’s a metaphor Daddy!
Rachel tells her father, with this entertaining metaphor, that she doesn’t want the direction of her life decided for her by everyone else. She wants to decide it herself.
I had a similar, though much less dramatic experience growing up. From when I was very young I wanted to be a doctor. My family urged me on, and for a long time it never really occurred to me to want to be anything else. It was my dream, but it was also everyone else’s dream for me. Then in high school I began watching the West Wing (I won’t talk about CJ Cregg as another fantastic influence, because Karen Bernstein did a fabulous job already), reading the news obsessively, and accepting my nerdy passion for history and government classes. I didn’t excel in the natural sciences but I did in political science. And I fell in love with rhetoric.
All of a sudden I wanted to work in political communications. I wanted, more than anything, to be a speechwriter.
But that wasn’t the plan everyone else had for me. And believe me, mustering up the courage to tell my family that I wasn’t going to be a doctor anymore was not easy. But I did, and received a mixture shock and support.
Many other young girls aren’t so lucky. Girls historically have had their futures decided for them by their families, particularly the male members, as early as birth. And while women have eons more choices than even fifty years ago, it’s still important to remember that girls can be whatever they want when they grow up. And it’s their choice.
Rachel Green went on to fulfill her dreams. Sure she had a great deal of good luck, always looked unnaturally well put together, and had the support of some amazing people. But she worked hard to (SPOILER ALERT!) get her dream career in fashion by starting at the bottom and working her way up.
I admire her for not accepting what others wanted for her. You be a hat Rachel.
Never stop figuring out what you want to be when you grow up. I certainly haven’t.
Emily
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Hmmm… I’ve faced a somewhat similar situation. As I was growing up through middle and the beginning of high school I just kind of went along with the expectations of me. Be a good student, be a good daughter, do what you are supposed to. I lacked the discerning feature to tell the difference between my own dreams and the dreams of others and in my sophomore year I broke down. I’ve spent the last three years rebuilding my sense of who I am, where I want to go in the world and what I want to do. I still get nervous when I tell my mom about something I know isn’t on her trajectory for me as a person. I tell her any way though, because for the most part she supports me, I think I just make her nervous when it comes to what I want to do. I’m no shoe but it took me a while to understand the difference between a shoe and a hat! “Two roads diverged in a yellow wood, and I, I took the one less traveled by and that has made all the difference”
Kara O'Brien
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Kudos to your courage, Emily! It is encredibly difficult to go agaisnt the expectations of your family. The important thing to remember is that, ultimately, they don’t have to live your life—you do. And most of the time, what they really want is for you to be happy.
Erin Millar
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First of all…I LOVE Friends! I watch reruns every night. Great, great show. <3
I count myself incredibly lucky that my parents have been largely supportive of wherever my dreams have taken me. When I was in about third grade, I found out they’d both gone to Ohio Northern University and declared that’s where I’d go as well…and they didn’t say I couldn’t, even though I’m pretty certain they didn’t believe me (I mean, I was in third grade). Then in eighth grade, I decided I was going to major in Creative Writing in college. When it came time to actually make a decision…well, let’s just say that in 2009 I graduated from Ohio Northern University with a BA in Creative Writing. They never once said I couldn’t do it, and they never said I should choose a “better” major. They’ve always just wanted me to do what I like, and I appreciate them so much for that.
Jennifer
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Friends is great, isn’t it?
I watch re-runs constantly.
I have so many friends whose families guilted them into something else or didn’t let them follow what they wanted to do. It was so sad.
But I think following your dreams, even if they are hard and may seem impossible, is one of the most important things women can do (and people overall but I think women need to be reminded sometimes
Erin Millar
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Women definitely DO need reminded of this frequently! In our world, which is still quite patriarchal and sometimes those ideas that women should do whatever their fathers in particular tell them to do, it’s easy for women to lose sight of things, I think. I always admire women who step very much out of the crowd and do something different–whenever I see a woman doing something that’s considered to just be a “male” thing, whether it’s wanting to play football or becoming a CEO or whatever, I have to smile a little.
Kara O'Brien
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Hahaha, love it! I want to be a long swirly cloak, please.
Or possibly a very well cut jacket. With lace.
Seriously, though, Jennifer has a great point. We do have a tremendous number of choices today; so many choices, in fact, that sometimes it can be utterly terrifying to look out at the world and try to find your place in it. Sometimes it can be so terrifying that it is easier to curl up in a little ball and let somebody else find your place for you. I think that a lot of people have their futures chosen for them by others without ever realizing it. But you have to take the reins for your own life. All lives are stories, and you definitely want to be the one holding the pen.
I’m very fortunate that my family has allowed me to persue my own path–which means that I’m in the middle of a double-bachelors in vocal performance and creative writing–but it also means getting up every morning and facing a future in two industries that are notoriously difficult to begin with, and in utter chaos to boot. It means that I have a lot of pressure to make this work out somehow, and prove, both to myself and others, that this wasn’t as crazy an idea as it seems. Sometimes, the only thing that keeps me going is the knowlege that I DO hold the pen, and that I can write my story anyway I like.
But the real secret is that I also hold the bottle of glitter….