February 28, 2011
Just One Aspect of Who I Am
I am queer. And even though I am out to everyone, it still feels like a small act of bravery to even be able to say it.
In the spring of 2009, when I was 13, I labeled myself bisexual, but it didn’t seem to fit right. The words weren’t comfortable on my lips, and it felt unduly strange to say it out loud. It wasn’t long after that when I discovered the term queer, and it fit in a way bisexual didn’t. Unfortunately, many people don’t know what queer means, as it doesn’t appear in the traditional “LGBT” verbiage and is, comparatively, seldom discussed. To me, the label simply means “not straight.” It’s about the least boxed-in label I could find, and I like the way it fits.
It’s hard to say when I “knew I was queer.” Perhaps I had some understanding when I was five years old, and had a crush on Henry, from the canceled television show “Liberty’s Kids,” as well as Zoe, from the ever-popular “Zoom.” I didn’t care to put a label to my feelings until I was older, and when I finally did, there were two reasons I wasn’t immediately comfortable telling everyone. The first was that my mother is a lesbian, and I didn’t want people to think that she had somehow “made me gay.” The very subject of LGBTQ parents raising children, and somehow “making” their children gay makes me quite livid, and I am always aware that people might think that my sexuality has been influenced by my mother’s sexuality, which is a ludicrous accusation at best.
The second reason why I have, at times, felt uncomfortable about coming out to people outside my immediate family is that I don’t want others to feel differently about me, or uncomfortable around me. I want to be seen as a person, and not as a label. I don’t want to be known as “that queer girl” – I want to be known as “that person”–and I was terribly afraid that telling people would somehow take away my humanness. But as time passed, I began to realize that it was part of being human. It was one facet of myself; perhaps not the most important one, but still, a part of who I am, and a part that I don’t need to hide.
The process of “coming out” was quite slow, and, for me, was thankfully not the dramatic affair one usually sees on TV. It was slow and quiet, and before I had gotten the opportunity or nerve to tell many people in my life, someone on my collaborative channel on YouTube put out a general question to the whole channel. A fellow vlogger on our channel asked us all about our sexuality. And I answered. I was honest. And, although I was quite nervous about posting the video, once it was up, it felt so liberating. I had literally outed myself to most of the developed world in one fell swoop.
On that day I came out as “queer,” but finding a label that worked was one of the most difficult parts for me. The thing I didn’t like about bisexual was that, although it would be easier to explain, it insinuates that there are only two genders, a philosophy that I strongly disagree with. For a while, I thought about simply not labeling, but the nice thing about a label that suits me is that it gives me a community to identify with. It’s like being sorted – I could find my second family more easily, and it’s far more convenient to make connections with people who might have the same feelings, interests, or similar personal stories to my own. Because of this, I wanted a label.
But the bad thing about labels is that they are restricting. Over time, your opinions may change, and perhaps the label that you picked when you were younger doesn’t fit you anymore, but everyone you know already has you pegged in a label that no longer fits. There are numerous pros and cons to finding, and keeping a label, but as with anything, the most important part is that it works for you–and queer works for me.
A label can be as complex or as simple as you would like to make it, because a label is a reflection of your feelings, and feelings are rarely as simple as “happy,” or “sad,” “gay,” or “straight.” There is always more to the story, but ultimately, it is our decision how much of that story we would like to share with anyone who cares to ask.
Being queer doesn’t affect me that much on a day-to-day basis, as it is something within me, like preferring the color purple, or enjoying dancing in the rain. But what does bother me on a day-to-day basis is that, when I get older, if I should fall in love, and it’s with a woman, I will not be able to marry her, and in some states, I will not even be able to adopt children with her. And if I fall in love with a man, I will have to live my life knowing that some people are not able to live their lives free of discrimination.
Until sexuality labels are not a tool for discrimination in this country, I am compelled to fight for equal rights. For my family, for myself, and for anyone, regardless of their label.
Holly McCready
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Once again, Vanessa, an excellent, informative, and emotional blog. Great job!
Vanessa
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Thank you so much, Holly! That really means a lot to me!
Melody
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Vanessa,
Wow. And again, wow. Amazing posts! You touch intelligently on so many issues here. Not only gender, but labeling and self-identification – issues that apply to EVERYONE.
I met your mom at Infinitus when I bought one of your handmade Pygmy Puffs. We seemed to run into each other a lot after that, and I enjoyed hanging out with you and your parents between programming, and with your parents at the back of the Ministry of Magic show.
At Infinitus, I would have labeled you “that creative girl.” Now I can add “wise beyond her years.” Age is just another label that can be transcended.
Just so you know, I named my Pygmy Puff Neville. Neville Longbottom had a bit of trouble with being labeled and finding his identity. Once he found it, though, he became a true hero. A student of mine calls him a “nerd-hero,” and there are few labels more noble than that.
Pygmy Puff Neville lives in my fourth grade classroom, and his job has become to comfort those who are having a bad day – sometimes a student… sometimes me. 
So, thank you!
Vanessa
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Thank you so much, Melody! Your comment was so incredibly sweet it made me cry. Really. It’s so strange and wonderful to hear that some of the gifts I put out into the world took root and changed people’s lives, if only a little bit. That is one of the most incredible things I could ever have asked to hear! Knowing that is really a gift beyond words, so thank you so much! And I’m so glad you enjoyed my post!
I wished I had gotten your contact information at infinitus, and I would still love to write with you!
You said: “At Infinitus, I would have labeled you “that creative girl.” Now I can add “wise beyond her years.” Age is just another label that can be transcended.”
That means so much to me! I really can’t thank you enough for this comment! As you may know, I have dyslexia, and I struggle with reading a lot. I had just come home from a particularly discouraging day, when I found this comment. Did you ever have just the perfect thing happen to you at just the perfect moment?
I am so honored that one of my Pygmy Puffs has been named Neville, and cheers people up when they are having a bad day. Neville really is a nerd hero, which is a truly awesome label!
At school, he was definitely labeled as an outcast, but you’re absolutely right, once he found his own identity, look what he became!
I hope I get to see you and Neville sometime soon! And once again, thank you, I really don’t have the words to tell you how much all this means to me.
Dorothy
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Vanessa, once again your blog is amazing. Truthfully.
I remember watching “Zoom” too! I think I sorta remember who Zoe was as well. She had blonde hair right?
I loved the discussion on labels, something I’ve had issues with, not just using labels for sexuality and gender but for other things too. I don’t think you can pigeon hole people into neat little categories, but as you said, it makes it easier to explain yourself to others if you take a label and to find people like you.
Regardless of what label (if any) someone takes, they should be happy with it, and feel like themselves.
Being open about yourself can be hard especially when you are afraid others will see you differently, regardless of what you talking about. I’ve (unfortunately), felt uncomfortable enough to occasionally lie about my family’s (lack of) religion to people. Because as you were talking about, I am really afraid that they will see me differently because of it.
Vanessa
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Thank you so much, Dorothy! That’s really amazing to hear!
Yes, you definitely remember Zoe! In retrospect, she’s not that good looking, but she had sort of waist length blonde hair, and she always wore bib overalls. She also had a latex allergy
Oh, the things I randomly remember.
I love discussing labels, and I could go on about them for hours! I completely agree with you about labels that are not just for sexuality, and I would have loved to talk more about that! I could write a blog twice this length, just about the ways we choose to label ourselves, and how that defines us in the eyes of others, and therefore the eyes of society.
I definitely agree that the most important thing about a label is the way you feel about it, which is one of the reasons why people reclaim words that have been used against them, because if you feel good about it, it’s not an insult anymore.
The perception of others is, no matter how much I liken myself to Luna, a very great thing to consider. That’s really horrible that you felt like you had to lie about your family and their lack of religion, I have also felt the need to lie about my family’s views on spirituality. It’s really horrible how intolerant some people can be, but I do my best to always be 100% candid, because my personal opinion is if we don’t tell them we are different, how will they ever except us? Perhaps the next time that person encounters someone like you, they will be a little more apt to treat them just like they would anyone else.
In any case, thanks for the great comment!
Bonnie
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Vanessa, how did you get to be so awesome?
Seriously!
That is a beautiful post!
I may have to visit you again so your family’s awesomeness will rub off on me some more.
<3<3
Vanessa
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Definitely, I think it’s going to take *a few* more visits. Thank you so much, I’m glad you liked it! I do have a pretty awesome family, I’m really lucky!
<3
Hannah
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Some non-hetero people don’t like the term queer because it can also mean strange, but I like it because I’ve always been a little strange anyways
Vanessa
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I have definitely encountered that attitude. I, too, have always been a little on the quirky side, so I don’t mind the implication. I actually just looked “queer” up in a thesaurus, and one of the synonyms was “demented,” I’m sorry to say. I personally feel that queer is one of those reclaimed words. I know people who are self proclaimed dikes, another word that originally had a negative meaning.
I have encountered a lot of people who think that queer means lesbian, because, after all, there are only four “real” sexual orientation labels: gay, lesbian, straight, and bisexual.
I always find it strange to encounter resistance of the type you were referring to within the LGBTQ community, who “should” be more understanding than people who haven’t necessarily struggled with a label.
Terry S
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Vanessa, this is great. But then again, all the blog posts that you write are great. I didn’t know that you were nervous about posting that video where you mentioned you were queer. I’m glad you did though. And I can imagine why it would be hard to tell everyone you’re queer, but if anyone judges you because of your sexuality then they aren’t really worth you being friends with or interacting with at all. So maybe telling people you’re queer is good because it’s a way to find out which people are worth it and which aren’t.
<3
Anyway, you are awesome.
Julia P
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Vanessa,
An amazing blogpost. It really seems so honest, and you touched on so many important things that other people feel and struggle with in an intelligent and heartfelt way. I have really short hair and dress in a “boy-ish” sort of way, whatever that means, and some people have assumed that I am a lesbian and even asked me outright about it. I identified with what you said about not wanting people to think that you are queer because of your mom, because my sister is gay, and I think that maybe people label me wrongly because they think it “runs in the family or something”, as if being gay or queer is some genetic disease. I go to Gay-Straight Alliance at school but some people just can’t get past sterotypes or the idea of a straight ally. Anyway, I loved your blog, thank you so much for sharing it! <3