The Harry Potter Alliance

By Andrew Slack

December 30, 2008

Life On Hold

Summary of post: “I’d like to gather 100 people in Central Park to all get out their cell phones and call the same company that puts us on hold and plays that stupid music over and over again. And then we all put our cell phones on speaker and just dance and dance to the music!”

Now the rest of this post, I warn you, is a rant where I confess some embarrassing things about myself and why I hate being on hold. Rant starts once you click on this option to read more:

There are some things in this world that make me feel unmagical. I mean, really really unmagical. I think for some people a daily commute to work can bring out that Muggle Mindset and make them feel unmagical. I don’t have a long traffic jam to sit in every day, but here’s something that I often confront: being on hold.

Ugh. Whether it’s a menu of options spoken by a voice recording, terrible muisc (or music that I like that I now all of a sudden don’t like because it keeps being looped over and over again as I pace back and forth waiting to speak to a human being), or a robot that keeps saying over and over again: “We appreciate you calling. Your call will be answered in the order it was received. We thank you for your patience and your loyalty. For more please check out our web site www.______.com once again, thank you for holding. We appreciate your patience.” By now I’m fuming: “NO! You don’t appreciate my patience. You’re just a voice recording. You’re like a Hogwarts portrait except you don’t respond to any thing. You don’t care about me. You just pretend to to calm me down. But I’m getting less and less calm by the second. It already bugs me that I have to call your stupid company in the first place to discuss a bill that I can’t afford, but really now, why must I go through this dehumanizing process?”

And by the end of this terrible ordeal (terrible for me), I finally reach a customer service specialist. And I’m so grumpy. Especially when I can hear that after ten minutes that feels like two hours of waiting to talk to a human being, this human being is reading from a script and keeps thanking me and calling me “Mr. Slack.” Somehow this sign of “respect” only makes me grumpier. Because it doesn’t feel authentic. Why can’t they just call me Andrew? And why can’t they be a meditation teacher reminding me to breathe and letting me know that it’s all going to be okay? And why do I get a funny feeling that after five minutes of proving to them that I am who I am by verifying superficial details about me, are we going to get to the part where they don’t have an answer to my question. And now I’m being mean to this person who I should be trying to be nice to because everyone is mean to them all day. Oy. What an ordeal. And finally, after a long time of formalities we realize that they cannot help me. That I’ve been on hold forever just to verify “myself” to someone who can’t help me. Then they say they’ll connect me to the right department. Then I’m back on hold for another five minutes. And then….suddenly, I get cut off. And have to start all over. AH!!!!

It feels soul sucking. I want to send a Patronus into the phone at the robotic voice that continues to thank me for my patience. Patience that I no longer have. Why can’t the voice say, “Hey jerk face, you know what, you’re a grumpy person because you have to call our company. We know you’re impatient and you probably hate us right now but there’s only so much that we can do to make this better. It really stinks for everyone. Sorry.”

Any way, here’s my idea on how to take this most unmagical experience more magical:

I’d like to gather 100 people in Central Park to all get out their cell phones and call the same company that puts us on hold and plays that stupid music over and over again. And then we all put our cell phones on speaker and just dance and dance to the music! Now that would be fun and magical!!! WHOO HOO!

This rant is about to close. By now you probably think I’m crazy and I’m going to agree with you.